Living With the Aftermath of Abuse: Why What You’re Feeling Makes Sense

Leaving an abusive relationship is often described as the hardest step. In reality, it is usually just the beginning of a longer, quieter, and more complex journey. At WAVES Counselling Project, we work with many people who expect relief once the abuse ends, only to find themselves feeling overwhelmed, numb, anxious, or deeply unsettled instead. If this resonates with you, it is important to know: nothing has gone wrong, and nothing is wrong with you.

Trauma does not end when the abuse ends

Domestic abuse affects far more than your immediate safety. Over time, it can change how your nervous system responds to the world, how safe your body feels, and how you relate to yourself and others.

Even after leaving, many survivors experience:

• Persistent anxiety or hypervigilance

• Sudden emotional crashes or numbness

• Difficulty sleeping or concentrating

• Guilt, self-blame, or confusion about what really happened

• A sense of loss, even for the person who hurt you

These responses are not signs of weakness but are in fact normal trauma responses to prolonged threat, control, or fear. Quite simply, your body learned how to survive. It does not immediately realise that the danger has passed.

Why “just moving on” is not realistic

Survivors are often told directly or indirectly that once they are safe, they should be able to “move on.” This expectation can feel invalidating and isolating.

Abuse often involves:

• Long-term emotional conditioning

• Erosion of boundaries and self-trust

• Repeated activation of fear responses

Healing from this is not about forgetting or minimising what happened but about helping your nervous system feel safe again, rebuilding your sense of self, and making meaning of your experiences at your own pace.

Counselling as a place to stabilise, not relive

One common fear about counselling is that it will mean reliving everything in detail. At WAVES, our approach is trauma-informed and paced carefully.

Counselling may involve:

• Learning grounding and stabilisation techniques

• Understanding how trauma affects the body and mind

• Gently exploring the impact of the abuse, only when you feel ready

• Rebuilding confidence, boundaries, and self-compassion

• Completing a trauma timeline

You remain in control throughout. Therapy is not about pushing you beyond what feels safe, it is about expanding your sense of safety over time.

You do not need to be “ready” or “falling apart”

Many people delay seeking support because they believe they are not struggling enough, or conversely, that they are too overwhelmed to begin.

In reality:

• You do not need a crisis to ask for help

• You do not need to have the right words

• You do not need to know what you want to work on yet

If the abuse has left a mark on how you feel, think, or function, that is enough.

A reminder, if you need it

• The abuse was not your fault

• Your reactions make sense in context

• Healing is not linear

• You deserve support, not just survival

WAVES Counselling Project offers free, specialist counselling in a safe and confidential space for survivors of domestic abuse and sexual violence, and a low cost option for anything else. You do not have to carry this alone.

If you are not ready for counselling yet, that is okay too. Even reading this is a step toward recognising that what you went through mattered, and that you matter.

If you are in immediate danger, please contact emergency services. For additional support, you can also reach out to organisations such as National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247), available 24 hours a day.